Okay let me stop for a second to say, thank you so much for your support and encouragement on my last post, it really means so, so much to me and has helped me through the past few days.
One comment in particular stood out to me because he was so spot on and it was something I've been realizing myself during these past few days. First time commenter JohnP from Lord of the Chainrings left this gem:
"Sounds like you check alot because you're looking for instant gratification. As if you are maybe hoping it will be lower next time you step on it.
If you have a solid plan to hit your target weight, then the goal will be reached without checking the scale all the time. Get your workouts in and count the calories and everything else is moot. . ."
JohnP I feel like you were in my head :P It had become like a game to me, just trying to lower the number and not realizing? caring? acknowledging? that this was not going to get me to my goal of actual healthy fat loss.
Confession (this is even harder to confess than the scale obsession): I've actually been dehydrating myself just so that I could weigh less. Barely drinking water throughout the day, not replenishing after working out, not replenishing after drinking alcohol, barely even making up for working 8 hours at the beach on 90º days :/. How in the world I let myself do this for so long without putting my foot down and saying enough is enough, is beyond me. Even though I knew that this was absolutely ridiculous and drinking freaking water will NOT EVER, EVER, EVERR make you gain weight, all I could see was that it made my weight go up. Well, yes obviously if you are dehydrated to begin with, you are going to hold onto the water that you drink and your weight will increase at first.
It was because of my frequent weighing that I let myself continue doing this for so long. The process went something like this:
1) Realize that I am being completely irrational and that I HAVE to drink more water
2) Drink a bottle of water or two throughout the day
3) Hop on the scale and freak out because I've suddenly gained weight
4) Stop drinking water, even when I'd workout and sweat it out (not completely, but I would have maybe a glass of water throughout the day :/)
5) Jump on the scale again and feel relieved that I was back down
Now I knew, absolutely 100% knew, that this was completely irrational and yet I could not get past the scale increase. I mentally could not handle seeing the number go up a few pounds, and then as I was holding onto the water because I needed it, not going back down as fast as I desired.
This also extended past water, it was mostly liquids that freaked me out (soup included), but really anything high volume that would initially have me posting a gain was often avoided by me. This meant sometimes not eating the healthiest foods because they would increase my scale weight. I was not as psychotic about this as I was with water, I still ate salads and other fruits/vegetables. But it was common for me to eat say fiber one cereal over a pear because it would mean less automatic scale weight. Fiber one cereal isn't a bad choice, but compared to a whole, unprocessed food with natural fiber it definitely comes in 2nd place.
My final decision on Thursday morning to kick my scale addiction came when I told myself that in order to get where I really want to be and reach my goals, I would have to make some serious changes:
#1 on the list drink more water, and I realized the only way I could possibly make this stick was to ditch the scale. If I tried to drink more water while still weighing myself multiple times a day, surely I would have taken one look at the increasing number on the scale and
The past few days I have been rehydrating my body and it feels amazing! I've been racing to the bathroom as well, but I take this as a very good sign :) Plus my (tmi) pee has been clear, that makes me go like this :D.
#2 EAT BETTER. I have eaten decently for a while now, but it could be soooo much better. Since Thursday I have been filling myself with veggies and I LOVE it!!! We went grocery shopping yesterday and our cart was filled with produce! I am excited to make some awesome meals I have found through the wealth of healthy eating blogs on the web. Tonight I am making Avocado and Cheese Pepper Boats from OhSheGlows. Yesterday I made a Grilled Apple and Mozzeraella Sandwich inspired by Hungry Runner Girl. Without the constant focus on the scale, I have been able to enjoy fueling my body with nutrient rich, delicious whole foods :D
The past few days have not been easy, it was such a habit that I impulsively go to do it throughout the day and then I have to remind myself "we're not doing that anymore" (I have no idea why I refer to myself as we in my head sometimes, just part of my craziness I guess?) A few times I've started to say to myself, "I have eaten so good the past few days and I feel like my body has been letting go of the water now that I've been drinking enough. Let me just see if I have lost weight." But I realize that is a recipe for disaster and depending on what it reads I could totally be derailing myself, which is totally not worth it whatsoever.
The past few days have also been nothing. short. of. amazing. I feel very free and like I am finally on the right track for once in my life. I am ready to find my inner confidence that is not dependent on what the scale tells me. Almost one month into my 26th year and I am definitely feeling that this will be my best year yet :D
I still have the goal of looking fan-freaking-tastic :D, but this will be achieved by fueling myself right and keeping up with my training. NOT by playing juvenile games with an inanimate object.
Wow that was long, but I had a lot to say :)
The quote on this bracelet says "Believe in Yourself," my 5-yr old got it for me at the holiday boutique in school and couldn't wait until X-mas to give it to me. I think it is the best gift I've ever received :D